Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Wed 07 Nov 2007 Emotional battle
Last night I sneezed and the tissue was covered in blood. Strange how everybody reacts when one has cancer, even a little blood from the nose becomes a big concern. The colour of the blood was more the issue for me – it was pink! Sean glanced at me and said “Oh, I have learnt about that in science, you have no red blood cells!” Another reality to face for me! The family were all in bed by 10pm and I sat around a bit longer reading the book that the boys bought me. Then the tears came, big emotional sobs…. Like I sobbed in the beginning when getting the news… I am even crying again as I write this…. I just feel so helpless in the battle… even my tears are not salty…. I just wish I could do more to help my body recover… I am on a special diet (no fat, no red meat) and have special vegetable/fruit drinks…. I take a handful of vitamins/minerals twice a day. What more can a 'normal' person do ?
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6 comments:
Dear Alida, if only one can be 100%certain that if you do all the "right" things like you are trying to do, and more, that one can predict a positive outcome? If only one can be sure that this is just a wobble and that everything will be as it was and ok after a while? You know that your healing will NOT only be dependent on what YOU are able to achieve... If that was true we would have been God! He is in control...and He has the best of intentions allowing what you are going through... The bigger much more important question is, what lesson(s) are there in this journey for you? Get to that core, and understand those issues...Getting healthy again, I believe, is not primary?? It is 'normal' to focus on that, though...the cancer is in your body at this stage but it IS not you! God is in control... thank heavens for that! I pray that your tears will wash all the uncertainty away...Always thinking of you...
Alidari,
Cancer is probably a bigger emotional battle than a physical battle. Physically you are in as much control as you could possibly be. You even have something up your sleeve! Chamomile cream instead of cortizone!! That is already a step forward, remember baby steps.
Love you lots!! Marietjie
My friend, you are already doing everything a 'normal' person can do. You are as strong as anyone can be. You are also human. And this is a sad, horrible, terrifying experience. The tears are so normal.
Carry on doing what you are doing. Looking after yourself in the way you are is the one thing you can do to wrestle back a little control in this crazy, scary roller coaster ride.
I am so proud of you, you are so brave. Brave and beautiful.
All my love
Tertia
xxxxxxxx
PS I have a horrific head cold. Wall to wall snot (including 2x snotty toddlers) so wont come visit this week. Will pop by next week. Want to go somewhere nice? My treat.
Oh my friend, my heart goes out to you and i do not know what to say to you except my heart and all my love is with you,teary eyes and all. I have no idea what this must feel like, i just agree with the others that you are a beautiful, brave person whom i am very proud to say is my friend. Vasbyt and all the love, light and healing to you Alida. Love Sanche'
Hi Alida, I cannot say that I know what you are going through as I am not a cancer survivor. However, I can identify with your feelings. I know what it feels like to do everything within your power to heal your body. Doing everything in your power to accept your fate without giving up but also without making yourself more sick by fighting it to hard. 3 years ago I started my process of healing: eating right (which to me means no red meat, no dairy, no wheat, no preservatives, no caffeine, no sugar, no yeast), supplementing my weak immune system (I drink a stack of vitamins, minerals, homeopathic medicine daily) and living right.
I felt so burdened by all my health issues. Felt ashamed on some level, abnormal and even like I have brought it on myself in some way. I felt like I was being punished. To ensure that I don't feel this way (that I can’t blame myself) I would do everything according to the book, exactly what the doctors said and the books and the friends and the family and the psychologist then, just as I think everything is alright, I would have some kind of set back.
About a year and half ago I remember sitting one day brushing my hair (which I have been growing for six years then and is very long) and seeing that it is falling out in clumps. I was so upset and said to my husband crying 'what more can I do to make this body healthy’ and he put my head against his stomach, hugging it softly and he said ‘you are doing more than any person should, maybe you should just trust that this is your body’s way of healing something else.’
There have been many lessons like this for me to learn during this process (which is still ongoing):
patience - I want to fix and do everything immediately. Doing something for 3 years and not knowing how long it will still be before I am healthy has been a very hard lesson to learn.
letting go - letting go of my loved ones was the hardest. Handing them over in God’s hands and realising that I will not be here with them forever.
accepting my body for what it is - I have health issues. That’s all. The worst that could happen is that I die.
more faith in God - trusting that He brought me to this and He will get me through it - Always
sharing - sharing my feelings and my thoughts. I have found that there are many people that suffer more than I do just by sharing my experience. I learned that people are compassionate and that they want to share things with you.
being vulnerable - not being the strong one but leaning on the people around you. People want to return the favor for you being there for them. Allow them too.
my mortality - I was terrified of dying. Something that only came along once I got married. Letting go (as mentioned above) helped to accept that death is part of my living.
being true to myself – just being me, accepting me, knowing me, trusting me
continue living life to the fullest – finding ways of still living your life to the fullest can be a huge challenge when you are limited by your health. I started taking pleasure and celebrating the small things in life again.
honesty – be honest, even if it hurts
oh and so many more.
I therefore agree with Isabelle-Anne’s comments. Trust in God and seek the lessons in this process that you need to learn. However, don’t stop crying and being sad. You are mourning what has been your life before cancer and you have every reason to be sad and you should mourn what could have been or you will not be able to accept what the future holds.
Good luck for today.
Lizette
I can only imagine your frustration, and to be honest I think you are handling your current situation extremely well. I do not think I would have your strength. Your tears are signs that there is fight in you, not defeat. Your struggle will be over in due time, and you will WIN !!!!
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