Saturday, November 24, 2007

Sun 25 Nov 2007 Grief

Elizabeth Kűbler Ross ( http://www.elisabethkublerross.com/ ) studied the process of death with many dying patients and the families of these patients. Grieving is a normal human process when we deal with death, the dying and illness. There are 5 stages of grieving through which we progress.
  1. Denial: this is when we just cannot believe or accept the death or illness, there is a feeling f isolation or a need to be alone
  2. Anger: this is when we are angry with the whole world around us that this has happened to us
  3. Bargaining: Here we start to bargain with God by saying “if You do this for me, I will do that for you”
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

There is no predetermined timeframe in which the above steps occur. One person may go through steps one to five with in a matter of hours and another person may take years to get to the acceptance stage.

When I look at my own personal experience in being diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer Stage IIIB on Thursday 18 Oct 2007, I was left completed isolated and empty of all emotions for the first few hours. When Ian came into my hospital room around 8h30 (I think) I was still in denial stage as I just felt 100% empty and very teary… both of us in fact. Then Dr H (gynie oncologist) popped around to explain all the ins and outs of what this means and what treatments are to come. I felt a bit better but then I needed to get Ian to get a hold on himself. He was so shocked by the news that he wobbled like a big bird on a small tender twig. We did some deep breathing and basic meditation grounding to get a grip on ourselves. Post this we did the phone calls to the immediate family. I guess it was around midmorning by this stage. As it happened, my brother Colin texted me to find out how I was doing, so I decided that was the sign for him to hear the news first. After Colin I phoned my sis in law, Marietjie and asked her to share the news with my brother Leon, then I tried to get hold to Dick, got voicemail, so phoned sis in law, Malinda. I was left absolutely emotionally empty after the 3 phone calls, so I left the balance of the family to Ian. Each phone call was done with a shaking voice and tears welling up in our eyes. Ian phoned my folks, his family and my closest girlfriends. That afternoon, Marietjie popped around before visiting time to give lots of hugs and emotional support and Jen popped around during visiting hours with my wee dram for the evening. I even had to phone one work colleague who has asked the previous day if he could pop around, and shared the news and the fact that it was not a good day to visit. Every person who heard the news was struck by total disbelieve. I must admit, I also had a problem digesting the news and accepting it! My mom and Leon have gone more visibly through the anger stage where they really questioned why this has happened with loads of emotions.

Later that day I really questioned why this is happening to me. From a metaphysical point of view I fully understand that there is a greater meaning to this illness occurring within me. I would equate this stage to that of anger and a bit of bargaining as I questioned that the histology reports were indeed those of my innards.

By Sunday we had told the core circle of people around us. Monday was the day to share the news with work colleagues. This took about 10 phone calls and left me completely exhausted, including the fact that we had a few phone calls to agree how the team would operate without me for the next few weeks.

Depression lasted for at least 2 weeks as I had to accept that this illness is within me and that I have to step forward each day to fight the illness. The very first chemo session was really dreadful when the liquid started dripping into my veins. The emotions were just too much to bear. Since chemo round 1 I have had to prepare myself for the emotion of losing all my head hair. This caused a huge amount of depression with me and I sobbed for many hours on many evenings. I later convinced myself that my hair was dead therefore I would cut it short before it starts falling out. By the time I cut my hair, I had detached myself completed from all emotions.
Some 5 days after cutting my hair, it started falling out and within another 5 days I have been left with a bit of fluff on my head. Every time I look into a mirror I am reminded that I am chemo patient and I have to accept this fact. Chemo is no fun, it plays havoc with your body and your emotions. I am moody and irritable with all those who try to support me emotionally, I am nauseous, my skin is sensitive and irritated, my joints ache. All this for a week and then I have a week where my poor body is trying to rebuild itself to a normal functioning, only to start the chemo process all over again. I am finally in the acceptance stage (I can see myself in a mirror) but still question what the great message of this illness is for me and my family.

When dealing with sharing this illness with many people, one needs to be cognisant not to take the spoken words back personally as many people do not know how to react, so instead of saying ‘I don’t know what to say’ they end up saying things they don’t actually mean. The one example I have is where the individual told me that sometimes I am a bitch but I do have a nice side too!! (Bloody hell) Another lesson is that the majority of people actually do not know how to deal with a person that has been diagnosed with cancer (nor death). The best is to talk to them normally about the situation and through that the other person also learns how to deal with situations of this nature in future.

My whole family and closest friends have rallied up to from a core circle around me and I am truly blessed to have such a supportive network. I am in friends’ personal prayers, in prayer group meetings and in spiritual healing circles.

Where is all this leading to? What lessons are in this for me?

I am learning to be humble, I am learning to be grateful for all I always took for granted, I am learning to pen words, I am learning to have empathy.

I understand that grieving is a natural human process.

Please read my ‘sister’ posts on grieving – follow the LINKS on the right.

4 comments:

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Anonymous said...

hi alida
thank you for starting this blog.

your boys are just gorgeous, and so smart too...how nonchalant is that..."oh i read about that...you have no red blood cells..." good heavens!

praying for you in hong kong
tess

Ei said...

This is not to foist an opinion upon anyone - remember there are no answers...this is just a thought.

“normal / normally”. Do we examine ‘normal’ fully enough in the course of everyday life to equip ourselves properly for when things are not normal? Do we understand what Aldous Huxley meant when he said that grief is about the person left behind not the person who has passed on? The grief is about the gap we now have not what or where the loved one’s soul may or may not be.
We expect to have parents for as long as everyone else does, we expect to have normal babies, we expect our economic circumstances to remain stable, we expect to be fit forever – we expect but we don’t examine. What if my parents die at an early age, will I feel cheated? What if my baby is not what I expected, will I know that it’s ok to mourn the loss of my expectation? What if the future doesn’t pan out as I pictured, will I be happy with what I get? What if my own life is threatened…where will I place myself on the continuum of reaction? Have I thought about these things or is it easier to just imagine they will never be and then when confronted by these experiences in the lives of others we are not equipped to deal with our own emotions let alone be supportive to our nearest and dearest. There are no answers, there is no “little book of traumatising life event etiquette” …but for goodness sake don’t run away! No heads in sand – newsflash: you may think you can “get away” but the ‘IT’ is not going away – so are you big enough, human enough? We examine everything from disaster recovery to extreme weather but we’re not strategic enough to consider our own make-up as responsible human beings – from CEO to seedy ‘ou’. Oh, visualising the good stuff is easy, isn’t it?!! This is actually not about Alida, for a change this is about you…but be careful, consider your answer, after all you need to answer yourself, not anyone else.

winecat said...

Hello Alida, I found your blog by way of Snickollet.
I went through treatment for breast cancer last year. It's was ugly but I lived and my hair came back and I'm doing fine. I wish the same for you.

If you're interested in my journey my blog is winecat.typepad.com

I'll keep reading and you keep getting your treatments.
best of luck
Cathy