Friday, December 14, 2007
Fri 14 Dec 2007 Aching joints
This morning I woke up and decided to share with you the despair I feel within myself. Each chemo round gets more difficult as I subconsciously know what side effects will be impacting me. This round the rash is controlled, but the aching joints and bones are terrible. Last night I was in bed by 20h00 as I just could not sit or stand anymore. The natural anti-flammatories are not doing their job so I have reverted to voltaren. This is besides drinking copious amounts of water to flush the toxins out of my system. I think my kidneys and liver need a holiday! Last night was the first time in weeks that I just broke down in tears. The aching bones are really bad and I have now tried every possible remedy to make the pain less. Then, this morning I check my emails and there are two emails in my inbox which remind me that I am still better off than many other people in the world. How can I be so selfish to just wallow in my own self pity. I have the best support group that one could wish for. I have loving caring family, friends and colleagues. I am fortunate that the extra medical expenses are covered via insurance policies. I am blessed. I am still alive and must live each moment to its fullest.
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8 comments:
Oh my friend, I am so sorry you are having a tough time. You've been so brave and positive for so long, you are allowed to have moments of self pity. Hell, you are allowed to have DAYS of wallowing in the biggest amount of self pity. What is happening to you is DAMN unfair, and DAMN horrible and DAMN DAMN DAMN frustrating and terrible. If you didn't have moments where you felt just a tad sorry for yourself I would think you weren't normal!
Chemo sucks and it is very tough on everyone, but especially someone as in tune as you. Be kind to yourself.
Thinking of you always, and sending you lots of love
xxxx
I have no idea what to say except I think of you often despite not knowing you.
I can't see what is wrong in some wallowing! Here's hoping more good days than bad days for you.
Wishing you all the best!
All the best!
lieve Ada
sterkte , Wij hebben allen met je te doen, dat meent delen in je strijd.
Hoed moed, je bent sterk en je komt er wel door , Liefde ook van Nickey , Karen , Lomi en PA XXX
Thinking of you so much and praying - really praying. "verlossing" is such an expressive word and I wish and pray this for you so sincerely. There are not always words and to be the spectator forces one to exercise real Faith. This cyber thing is fine but a real HUG would be best wouldn't it?! H U Gs and strength and give yourself (and take) everything you need - you are allowed!!
I cry at least once after each chemo - at the same time as you, when the pain of the joints and bones is just too much. It is not comfortable to lay down, sit, stand, or anything! I load myself up with vicodin, and hope to druggily drift through those two days or so.
I admire your ability to recognize your despair and acknowledge it. I think this is really impt. in order to move on. This monster is very scary and you are doing your part to break the "we just gotta be positive all the time" myth. I do hope you find peace and the pain improves. I was diagnosed
August 2006 and am doing well now. Just keep in mind that you will not always hurt as much (both emotionally and physically) as you do now.
Patsy
Stage IIIC NED now!
North Carolina
This thing you are going through...it is HARD. It rocks the foundations of the toughest people I have known. I think it great that you are thinking about people worse off than you, but cut yourself a break... feel bad. It is ok. We understand. You are allowed to break down, to feel crappy, to cling to whatever you need to in order to feel like you are dealing the best you can. We all love you and want to support you any way you will let us... you don't have to be strong or stop complaining - this is not a test you can fail.
Love,
One of your friends out here in the computer.
Cry sister, cry, I cried with you as I read your post. Crying is part of the healing process. Those salty tears wash away many aches and pains. They are needed just as much as all the medications and healhty supplements.
What great news from Judith. You have made a difference in Thembi's live that nobody can ever take away. She looks really happy in the photo and I am sure the experiance's she picks up on her journey will stay with her for the rest of her live.
You are fantastic, in my tears I say aload,"HORAY! to Alida".
I love you.
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